“You know you're really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves”

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 6

Usually I try to start with a wee quirky intro into each blog, but the notion of writing about this one hit me quickly and I wanted to get my thoughts down as soon as I could. It’s an issue that I want to tackle & one that definitely impacts my mental health.

The issue. Getting stressed, worked up and anxiety over relatively small things.

Ironically, I thought this was an area of my life that I had made improvements on. But recently, over a weekend, I really struggled with it.

I’ll be honest. After I wrote that first 3 paragraphs, I struggled with what to write next. In my head, I was trying to think too far ahead. How was I going to conclude this blog? How will I work out any issues, like I had done previously?

The anxiety of trying to conclude this blog is exactly the kind of reason why I need to write this. Getting worked up about wee, inconsequential things, that on the grand scheme of things, I definitely don’t have to.

So, I’m just going to admit it – I, Mark Dalgarno, get stressed out, all too easily. Too often. When things aren’t going exactly as they should, or I expect that they should.

But honestly, growing up, I never used to.

The first time I can remember losing my shit, getting proper stressed out about something so utterly trivial, something very low-level, was when I was travelling. I was in Prague and at a stage where I was a little homesick, on my tod and torn over what to do next with my travels. I remember walking around this superb city, supposedly sightseeing but instead I was having a mental battle with myself about where to go next and what my best options were.

I think it was raining, which wasn’t helping my mood. I was annoyed that I wasn’t enjoying the day, because I believed that as I was travelling, every moment should be amazing. As I stressed out, people were everywhere, getting in my road. I was spikkin awa to myself (nae sure if people could hear me – but they definitely wouldn’t have been able to understand me), blaming all the circumstances possible for not having reached a decision, for the rain, the people... and beating myself up for letting my mind get like this.

Read that back. Why the hell was I stressed? It sounds pitiful. There’s nothing on there that should cause a significant level of stress. But due to my personality traits of overthinking, needing everything to go to plan and trying to do too much at once, it did for me. I’m sure it didn’t last long but it felt like it went on & on. And for that point, my head was gone.

This is a prime example of me getting worked up when things get on top of me. Actually no. When I LET things get on top of me. I’ve had many similar situations where I've let that happen. One negative thought led let to another. I would get the blame, as would others & other things.

I used to just keep going with it until for some reason, usually unknowingly, it stopped. I never tried to stop it. I felt I had to see the ‘stress’ through. And I definitely never acknowledged it after. I just laughed or brushed it off.

I want to give myself some credit though before I crack on. Aye, I get stressed out. But I’ve never been so stressed out that I’ve lost complete awareness of the actual thing I was doing. Or wasn’t able to react accordingly to what was happening. I’ve always managed to get through, just nae as calmly as I’d like. Or it took longer than planned. I’ve experienced light-headedness, definitely had my temperature go up and said some naughty words, but it’s never been a full-blown panic attack. (It’s cool, I’ve googled it).

But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. It’s not a part of me that I like and although this trait normally only showcases itself when I'm on my own, it’s nae good enough for me. It’s something I’ve been aware of for a while now and it’s time to do something.

So, I’m going to indulge myself on how & when I get stressed, what I do and how it impacts me. I’ve nae doubt that this will be something that I need to keep I’ll be working on. If anyone reading has any advice on how to deal with what I’m about to write, this is my call to arms.

I’ve always been an affa highly strung adult. My desire for everything to go exactly as planned, as intended and get the best result possible, has without doubt been a massive benefit in my life. But as we all know, life doesn’t go exactly to plan all the time…

I’m the type of loon that struggles to keep a lid on my emotions, both positive and negative. I’m actually incredibly good in situations where others are stressed & I cope under heavy or what could be defined as serious pressure.

But give me a queue when I’m trying to get somewhere, a laptop that takes ages to load or trying to find Sma From Birth Baby Milk in Tesco, when frantically doing shopping during lockdown… it’s like a kettle going off…

The Prague example stands out for me, but I’m struggling to remember more than a handful of specific incidents, in such detail, where I got myself in such a state, over something(s) so small. This instantly tells me everything I need to know about when I fail to keep the heed. These situations are so small, so insignificant, that I can’t even remember them, but I know there has been a shitload.

For clarity, and hopefully some relevance, here are some of the general life events that I know I get worked up about:

Roxie not listening, running late or being pushed for time, places being busy, technology not working, having to wait, things being untidy, plans being cancelled, having too much on or to think about at once, bad running times…

These are just some off the top of my head. They all have one of two things in common. Either they don’t even scratch the surface of what is a genuine difficult or pressurised situation, or they are situations that I have no control over. The only thing I can control in any of these, is how I react.

Usual symptoms of me losing my heed are: Irritability, agitated, anger, short temperedness, frustration, sweaty, light-headedness. These don’t all happen at once, but there’s normally at least a couple that show up.

But there’s always a point, where I know I’ve lost my way. It’s normally that little manny on my shoulder (remember him), telling me the same things as before – ‘your spikkin shite, or your acting like an idiot’, but this time, he’s trying to help me. And at that point, I’ve got a call to make, - continue to see it through and make it worse, or take a breath and stop?

9 times oot of 10. I don’t stop. For me, it’s oddly more comfortable to continue with the stressful moment. Because it’s a familiar feeling and being stressed, for me, is normal.

That sounds sadistic reading it back. But it’s true.

But during any stressful moment, I am aware that I need to get out of it. It’s just trying to get out is harder than staying. A fear of failure, I guess.

During and after being stressed, I’ll - be embarrassed that I got so worked up – both by myself and if it was in front of anyone. I’ll feel guilty. Be disorientated because I normally have to continue whatever is happening at that time. But I’ll also be brooding, so my heed will be spinning. I could be dreading further stressful moments or fearing the worst as a result.

And over time, these have impacted my mental health. Due to my nature, after being stressed out, I’ll be worried about what people think, disappointed in myself, put myself down and spend too long overthinking any bigger issues/longer term problems, that most likely don’t exist.

Pre-lockdown, I always knew this was a part of me. Post-lockdown, I’m doing something about it. With the end goal to stop getting on my tits.

With the added pressures of a baby, young dog and job hunting, I knew I had to tackle it. I’ve done the meditation and mindfulness. They've helped. And I thought I was getting better at dealing with stressful situations. Then one weekend a few weeks back, I had a shocker.

So many things got on my nerves that weekend. Including me. But I don’t know exactly what caused the stress, or what the root was. Perhaps I was frustrated and annoyed that I’m out of work and questioning my worth. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen my weight go up in the past couple of months and I’m not doing enough to reduce it. Possibly because I’m worried that I’m failing to balance everything, to my standards, right now.

Roxie was definitely the main antagonist. Pulling on the lead, eating shit she’s not supposed to… Darcie was greetin uncontrollably when I was trying to complete a job application. Getting ready to go out with a baby takes fucking ages and you’re always rushing about. That happened a few times. Seriously, how often do face masks go missing? Fucking face masks. A stressful situation occurred in Tesco trying to find something particular that wasn’t immediately available to sight…. First world problems eh? Again, read back. It’s ridiculous. Dogs pull and eat shit. Deal with it. Baby’s cry and need a lot of stuff. Obviously, you muppet! Tesco, shopping, aye it can be a stressful situation, but nobody can do anything about it right now. Face masks – they can piss off though.

Pleasingly though, there was a moment, when Shereen just gave me a stern look, after I bawled at Roxie for the 50th time that weekend and I just knew… There and then, this blog concept was born.

I’ve scaled back in the last couple of weeks, got my shovel out to dig a wee bitty deeper. Low and behold, now that I’m nearing the end of this, I’ve made a few realisations on why and how I can accept it.

Maybe my temperament changed that day in Prague. Looking back, I was at the point where I had to make a pretty big decision in terms of my travels. It was the one that led me to working in Ibiza. And although getting a plane to Ibiza doesn’t immediately scream it, it was maybe the point where I had to move up a level of maturity and take on more responsibility. And with more responsibility, well, yi know…

And since then, it’s been about growing personally and professionally. Taking on more responsibility. Welcoming more of life’s stressors in. But while that’s caused isolated, and short tough moments, that step up, battling through those stressful times, has brought a shit load of good things to my life.

Quote time – “Character is who you are under pressure, not who you are when everything is fine”

Getting stressed shows I care; I want things to go well. I want to do well. It’s a good trait. But I need to get to a point where A) I only get stressed at situations that truly deserve it, because they will happen, B) when I feel myself getting close to that in any given situation, quickly determine if it’s worth losing my shit or not, C) If it’s not, quickly get out of it. And finally, D), if I don’t catch myself, after it’s done, establish the takeaways, don’t brood and seek the positives from it.

This next part is a reminder for me. I’ll stress this... (get it, stress).

These moments of overwhelm are small parts of what is always a positive day, week, or year. I’m a happy and energetic loon. One that has plenty of laughs and at the right time, likes to take the piss (out of myself mainly). I give things my all, work hard and care for other folk. There’s more to me but the point is, the stressors of life are nowhere near the amount of good shit in my life.

We as humans are affa for focusing on the negative stuff & I’m certainly guilty of it. Forgetting that for the majority of the time, things are exactly as they should be, and these little moments don’t determine my day. I’m fully aware that doesn’t apply to everyone of course.

So, there we go. Me, Mark Dalgarno, is working towards a new perspective on being stressed. I’ll keep practicing at taking a breath, because usually, it’s nae worth it. Anything to get off my nerves and off other folks nerves too.

Dinna fash yersel eh?