“If you feel you aren’t running fast enough, slow down”.

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 10

Iday's blether is aboot the anxiety that comes with having too much to do, or in my case, giving myself too much to do. And the pressure, my pressure, of trying to get it all done in one amazing go.

In blog 4, I spoke of my tendency to do as much as possible, as quickly as possible, being a major cause of anxiety for me and how it affects my mental health. Dinna worry, you dinna hae to read it again.

Basically, I like taking on a lot, for my own self-worth & to push past self-doubt. But it can backfire.

Thankfully, through 2020's soul-searching, I can confidently say that tendency has got better.

But during most of that period, I wasn’t working.

I had plenty of roles – partner, dad, job hunter, dog walker, amateur writer… but because we had financial security while I was out of work, there wasn’t that pressure & demand added to the mix.

I’ve been helping folk with CV & careers advice over the past year, which has been ace. But sporadic. And while it’s important for me, and to the person I’m helping, because it’s been free of charge, the pressure isn't there. Folk haven’t been demanding to get their CV back, making it easy to manage my own expectations.

Spawning fae that, I started planning & setting up my own Employability coach side business, but again, it’s nae pressurised. It's at my pace.

But it's since going back to work in the ‘office’ & starting a new job in January, that anxiety and a wee bit self doubt has re-appeared...

Fuck. Sake!!

Last blog, I talked about my newfound ability to realise stressors & anxieties quicker and have the confidence to deal with them. And this blog is part of it.

Frustratingly, nowadays the familiar feelings and sensations appear much quicker. My health anxiety flares up, my stressors show, I feel disorientated, tired, aches etc…

But it’s a good thing. I'll never presume I’m the finished article. I won't be skipping through life with a rainbow floating over me. Nae chunce, nae me.

But it's been hard to accept because, from mid-December ‘til Mid Jan, I was feeling fucking awesome. Cue positive narrative.

At the start of my mental health journey, I would be frustrated, annoyed and reluctant about having to do something about. Now though, I’m excited. Because this has become a skill. And with any skill, you need to stay sharp.

Right, usual intro done. Basically, I started a new job and I feel like I’m struggling to keep up with everything.

Fits the solution en?

Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to simplify how I approach what needs to be done and what I’d like to get done.

To simplify is “to make something simpler or easier to do or understand.”

But it’s nae that simple for me. How does an obsessive overthinker, habitual planner and serial self-doubter this side of the River Don, simplify what needs to be done?

Soz for banging on aboot previous blogs, but, in blog 4, I wrote about having a shocker at the 2019 Skye Half Marathon. At the same time, work stress was mounting, personal life felt busy... in general, I felt overwhelmed. I made the decision then that something had to give, and running, to my own half marathon level anyway, took the hit. But it wasn’t enough, clearly, hence last years' struggles.

And although the sense of overwhelm that I’ve been experiencing in recent weeks isn’t quite at 2019's level of anxiety, frustration and irritability, it needs to be actioned. Quickly.

This time around, I don’t want to drop anything. If anything, I'll add if I can. I’m fed up of thinking I can’t push on in my life. That I can’t try to achieve more because I might fail or struggle to cope.

Even writing that, I feel like I’m away to push myself out of my comfort zone a little. But fuck it. I'm in!

But the way that I go about it & the level of pressure I put on myself, needs to change. First though, I’m gonna face up to the things that are giving me a sense of overwhelm.

Hopefully some of this is relatable for folk.

Then again, hopefully nae.

Started a new job in early Jan, in a new industry for me. I'm affa chuffed though, because it’s what I’ve been working towards for two years. And after a few interviews at the end of last year, I was delighted to end 2020 with the offer I wanted. But like any new job, it’s challenging. There’s lots to learn. Am I outta my depth? I worry about not ‘getting it’, not liking it, or not doing well. Naturally, I throw everything into it & put pressure on myself.

I’m also working from home for the first time. I realise this isn’t anything new to many folks but most will surely agree, it’s a tough transition.

And with that, building relationships with new colleagues, as everyone wants to do quickly when in a new job, has increased my self doubt. Nae fine.

As said before, I’m looking to start up on my own business. Dedicating enough time to that, or not feeling that I’m doing enough, is a burden. It’s not only a career decision for me, it can be a money earner for the family, so I need to do it.

And that’s just for work. Ensuring I am giving myself to Shereen, Darcie and Roxie enough gives me the fear. We’ve got a lot of important and exciting things happening in our wee lives now & coming up, and I want to be someone they can rely on for more than just earning money.

Finally, giving myself enough time for me is massive. From maintaining my positive mental health, getting out for walks and runs, to finding time for writing this, it’s very crucial that I give myself that time. Not doing so builds up anxiety.

Six aspects - affa important aspects - for me. Managing to fit them all in, in a day, is a challenge alone. But ken fit the biggest bastardin problem is?... The frustration of feeling like I'm not 'nailing' all of them and worrying that I'll end up failing.

"Fuck sake min, I'm nae on top of ahin"

"Why is this nae happening for me right awa...?"

"Stop thinking aboot fit I'm dein next and focus on fit I'm dein now"

"Did that go well? Na, that wasn't good enough?"

"Folk must think I'm a gype"

"Sakes min"

It's those thoughts causing the overwhelm.

And when that happens, I add more anxiety. And with more anxiety, I’m riddled with self doubt, which adds more anxiety, which brings back health anxiety, which of course, adds more. Fucking. Anxiety!!!

But... These days, I can deal with it much better. I can react and accept that in life, a lot of anxieties are actually perfectly normal. And while they need to be worked on, I can embrace that they happen and that they won’t immediately go away. There will be a lot of back and forth, but I can confidently say that I have the power to accept that it’s ok to feel this way.

Things will feel a little shitty for a wee while. But they will get better. Who doesn’t start a new job and not struggle? Fa isne struggling to cope with the WFH elements? What business owner hasn't stressed when getting it started? Who doesn’t feel agitated when they can't take some time for them?

These are challenges. But they aren’t major issues. The issue is me and how I deal with it from this point on. How I approach them and what my outlook is.

I'll give you two quotes that will help me simplify.

“You don’t have to take all of the steps, just the next one”

The things I talked about above are important to my personal life, my career and myself. But they can’t all be done at once. It’s nae possible. Smaller goals. Better results. 10 oota 10 isn't always needed.

2020 showed me that I don’t have to move at the speed of light to get shit done and feel like I’m achieving happiness. Last year, despite the shite that it threw up, was the best year of my life. Why? Because I took my time. Back to basics. Reset pressed. I stopped, planned and didn’t automatically expect results. I wasn’t phased by time, or my demands.

I got myself to say “I'll do this thing first. And once that’s done, I can think about the next thing”.

For my mental health, career, family & personal life, sure, I had end goals. I set them. But I was pragmatic and realised that the only steps needed to be taken, was in fact, that next one.

Now of course, 2020 was different. I wasn’t working, we were ok money wise etc., but why should the outlook be any different now I’m back working? It shouldn’t & it won’t.

So now, when it comes to work, business, family & my mental health, it’s back to taking it one step at a time. Simplify it. It's nae gan ti be as easy as that of course, but by writing this & consistently reminding myself that I only need to do the next thing, I’ll get on track.

Quote 2 - “The most important things in life, aren’t things”

This couldn’t be any simpler. If I ever feel myself getting bent out of shape about how well I’m grasping things at work, how far my business plan is coming along or adjusting to working from home, all while trying to prioritise what needs done first, I think of this quote.

People have to be most important for me. The people around me. Shereen, Darcie, Roxie (nae a human obvs but she’s affa important), wider family and pals. That’s all I should be proper 'stressed' about making things right for. That’s far ony energy, high levels of expectation and any respectable worry needs to be. That doesn't mean it wasn't before, I'm just removing 'things' from the same category of concern.

And by people, I must ensure that includes me.

That doesn’t mean I stop working hard. That doesn’t mean I stop trying to develop myself. Or I’ll stop pushing myself and being ambitious. I’ll never stop wanting to do well.

But the theme, the narrative, is to stop worrying about nailing ‘things’ perfectly, right away.

For work, I’ll get there. For my business, I’ll get there. Working from home? I’ll get used to it. Work relationships will come.

These things will take care of themselves. I'll do what it takes to make them happen, as I always have. And if they don’t right away, fa cares?

But taking away that energy on the stress of doing it, or the panic of doing it right away, basically not worrying about it as much, will have a positive impact.

I’m aiming to lose that filthy habit of saying ‘if I don’t do this now, things will fall apart’. I’ve had it for years & it’s nae worked for me. My productivity may be high, but my quality is normally lower. Which then sends me on an endless cycle of overwhelm, having too much to do, speed up, finish, bad quality, frustration, anxiety, need to improve, take on more to counteract… too much to do, overwhelm…

That was the old me. I mean, he’s evidently still there going by the past few weeks, but the mindset, the narrative and the speed of reaction is a lot quicker.

People are the priority. I'll spend an extra few minutes playing with Darcie & Roxie, chatting up Shereen, before commuting back upstairs for work. Nae feel guilty for taking time to scour afcheritage to review Aberdeen games from 1993. Not ignoring a WhatsApp message for too long before responding because I think I need to do something else first.

You’re probably bored now, I da blame you. But I’m fucking chuffed as bits to re-align a part of me that’s been an issue for ages!

It’s initially hard accept that another aspect of my life needs work. But once I’ve settled doon, the buzz, the opportunity to do something about it, is ace. These blogs take a few weeks to pull together and what a feeling I get when I write a sentence like this een… Things are nae bad, ken.

I’ve left yi hinging on for this wik's opening quote eh? I was once told it in my running days. If you felt you weren’t pushing it hard enough, you should at that point, slow down. Because the likelihood was, you were going fast, but not controlled. Any faster & you’ll burn out quicker. Slow doon, calm doon, take a breath and gradually pick up the pace again.

And I’ve adopted that quote to the feeling of overwhelm, not doing enough & not moving fast enough.

Stop fit I'm dein. Breathe. Prioritise people. Start again with a much clearer head. Make the next step. Nae all of them. I'll get there.

Tortoise and the Hare and all that…

Advice to anyone that’s feeling the weight of your world on your shoulders. Stop fit yer dein and high 5 someone you love. Virtually of course. That ‘thing’ can wait.

Cheers Legends!