“With a purposeful focus, you can change a ‘I wanna be’ to a ‘I am gonna be’ to ‘I am”

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 8

2020. Fit. A. Year.

It’s a surreal feeling to think back to Jan – early March last year. There’s no way anyone could have foresaw what we were in for.

And I had zero fucking idea of how 2020 was about to impact my life…

But ken fit? 2020 was the most significant year of my life. And in a few years, I’m sure I’ll look back and reminisce that 2020, was the year, for me, that everything got a whole lot better.

Now, of course, Darcie coming along makes it the best year ever. Nae denying that. Getting engaged at the end of the year, (aye, about time before onybody says it…) makes it a belter. And while these things have contributed massively to my state of mind, the way that 2020 unfolded, allowed me to stop, plan and improve, in many areas of my life.

And that’s fit I’m writing aboot iday. The journey and milestones in improving my mental health, lifestyle and self-worth. It felt like a fitting topic to wrap up 2020 and get 2021 cracking!

We all love to wrap up a year, with a wee social media post. Concluding and detailing the triumphs, the lows & everything in between… then make a point that as of 00:01 on Jan 1st, things will be different.

New Year is a perfect time to take stock of how things are, how you are and what can be done to continue, improve or set goals. In my opinion, Hogmanay (nae at the same time as your downing your prosecco, of course) is a perfect time to do it.

But what I’ve learned this year is that its hugely important for me to do it more regularly. To take stock of me, what’s happened, what I’ve achieved, what I need to do better, what’s next… fitever it is. Remember my garden patter in blog 2? Of course you do 😉

And the reason I need to take stock more is because of the ever present, albeit now slightly smaller and quieter, wee manny on my shoulder, fa needs telt fae time to time. The longer I go without stopping or letting the busyness of life take over, he grows in confidence and finds his annoying little voice.

He’s my subconscious, and this year, the initial main goal was to either shut him up or if possible, change fit he’s gibbering on aboot.

“You affect your subconscious mind by verbal repetition”

I discovered through my mental health journey that the best way to suppress my overactive subconscious from making me self-doubt, stressed & have health anxiety, was to keep repeating as much positive chat as I could, over and over again. And again. And again. And again…

The problem was, my conscious just wouldn’t believe my own narrative. This needed sorted.

I’m not going to wax lyrical about every little thing that I did. You & I wid be here ah day.

But the stuff I did to improve my mental health was extensive. I’m now in a place where I understand my mind a shit tonne better. I know what works for me, or what I need to do if & when I have a wee flare up of anxiety or my mental health is tested.

It’s taken a lot of time, but looking back at 2020, & what I’ve achieved, I’ve absolutely fucking loved it.

And that last 5 words are a huge part of changing the narrative. Aye, it’s been pretty shit to feel the way I have at times, but I’ve got to a point where its arite to feel low or have shit days. Its ok to have days where you don’t make massive strides each day. Accepting that has become part of my internal chat. Which never existed before.

“Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere”

2020 started like most recent years for me. With a lot of gusto, but tinged with a fair deal of low-lying anxiety. My drive to kick off the year with a bang and determination, with the intensity of work, the usual revival of fitness, a hyperactive puppy and a pregnant other half, meant that my anxieties, while identifiable, didn’t have time to be on the surface.

Even after the first lockdown started & I went on furlough, things were still reasonably calm. I had plenty of mental stimulation. Things were arite.

But come mid-April… michty me.

This was the order. Sorta…

· Severe Health Anxiety, where everything was “yep, that’s a lump. This time it has to be cancer…’ Ridiculous. I ken. But that’s where my head was at. And was for a while.

· Then, “ah fuck, I’m shite socially. I need to sort that oot”

· Followed by, “Fuck, where is my career going?”

· “Oh ti christ, I’m gonna be a Da. What if he/she turns out like me?”

· Before coming full circle back to Health Anxiety all over again at the end of the year.

There was plenty of overlapping in the above and lots of nuances in each. But I revelled in having the opportunity to try and fix these parts of my life.

The aims? Stop treating every symptom as serious, improve as a human socially, improve my career prospects and change the way I felt about myself. Now, there were plenty of trials and tribulations in achieving these. Lots of soul searching, honest conversations, admissions, pages upon pages of words, podcasts galore, walking 500 miles, walking 500 more…

It been all progress but because of self-doubt, after a period of time, I had to have mental check in’s –in June & November – to make sure I was on track. Of course, with me, it was all written, but it was a big part of my journey & development.

But despite noting down the areas I was worried about & reviewing what was consistent progress, anxiety still lingered. And as we approached the end of the year, the wee manny, my subconscious, still seized small opportunities to affect my mind when my guard was down.

Which leads me to what I’m most proud about from 2020.

“The secret of getting ahead, is getting started”

As we hit October, I was listening to another podcast (The Health Anxiety Show, by Dennis Simsek if onybody is interested). It made me realise what I’ve actually been trying to achieve the whole time and what I needed to do to make the final step. In this journey to feel better, my internal chat was predominately negative. I did try to involve positives, but it was usually overpowered. I needed to change the way I saw, wrote, spoke, acted & reacted.

So, the advice was to start embracing my anxieties and spending more time with them. Feeling the sensations, symptoms and emotions as they were present. So that’s what I did.

“Fit am I actually feeling here? Honestly min, be real. Fit is it?”

“Fit are ony of these feelings really trying to tell mi?”

“Are they actually areas of pain, ache or just a sensation?”

That was the turning point. I did this on repeat. Just sitting with them. Let them get on with what they wanted to do. Scary as fuck to begin with, because I felt I was adding fuel to the fire, but I persisted.

And once I’d spent time with them, realised they weren’t real, I was on my way. They quickly started to disappear day by day.

I’ve found and felt anxious about the fact that with mental health, there’s a fair deal of ambiguity. Because it’s subjective per person, based on fits in my heed, I’m never 100% certain that what I feel is what I actually feel.

But I stuck to my guns. Kept writing it down. Kept it on loop in my head. To the point where the wee manny finally started repeating the positive stuff that I was saying.

Then, I went for the hammer blow. The Rock Bottom. The Stone-Cold Stunner.

I started thanking all of these symptoms, anxieties, and stressors. Thanking them for helping me improve drastically. Because, without them, I’d be plodding along, and not the improved version of myself. They gave me the chance. They opened the door. And every time from now on, if I feel uneasy and get a sensation, I’d say to it ‘fit like, nae bad yersel? Cheers for helping me out here’.

I also looked at what the future could look like if I kept letting them dominate me. Then looked at how they were benefitting me now and how they will benefit my future. Writing that down helped, because believe me, the latter part of those looks a lot more appealing. And honestly for me, that changed everything. That changed the narrative. My narrative!

And in getting to that point, I’ve managed to:

· Appreciate me & give myself a lot more credit.

· Stop overthinking and brooding as much. Moving on from situations quicker.

· Realised its ok to have low days. They happen.

· Started to be more aware of situations and positives that come from them.

· Delved deep into my past and how it’s impacted me.

· Started living more in the present with a vantage of the future.

Even in writing this & working things oot, I was able to see a huge improvement. Finding the best way to write this and plan it out mentally is sometimes quite difficult. My main aim is to make it clear in my own head to work out the issue, but also make it sound good to any (gullible) reader. In the recent past, if I couldn’t make sense of it, I’d get affa frustrated and wouldn’t be able to drop it until I got there.

But now, I am aware of & react quicker to my stressors & am more excited by the thought of stopping them. Or letting what will be, be. Working ‘it’ out is part of the process. I’m confident in myself that I’ll get ‘there’. Just like for this blog, a good walk with Roxie across the Foveran fields, was all it took to get some clarity.

I also feel that I’ve went full circle with dealing with my mental health. I went from doing things before, like running, walking the dog etc., without fully appreciating them. Not realising that they impacted my mind positively.

To then going full pelt with meditating, mindfulness, writing etc. Full on ‘mental health exercises’.

To getting to the point, where doing too much of what are defined as ‘mental health exercises’ all the time, is not beneficial for my mind. I realised, after much to-ing and fro-ing that anxieties still lingered because doing these exercises enabled my subconscious to think about any issues, or gave them room to breathe. It made me question more, when I didn’t need to. Overthinking, ken?

So, while I’m delighted that I was able to do these exercises to the extreme that I did & they were needed at the time, I’m even more chuffed that I’ve came back to the start where, taking a walk or going for a run has become a form of my own meditation. More ‘present’ in them and able to use these to more affect, for whatever part of my mental health is needed.

Btw the way, I wouldn’t discourage anyone from meditating & the likes. They just don’t work for me.

And here’s the final discovery I’m most proud of…

Not only do I have that wee manny of a subconscious telling me I’m shite. I’ve realised that I have another subconscious. A good one. He’s quiet like. Affa shy. But he’s the one that helps get me through shit.

He’s my resilience. My inner confidence. My belief. Helping me push past self-doubt and making sure I don’t get beaten. And I realised that he’s always been there. He deserves a wee promotion (wee recruitment adage). He will be listened to a lot more.

“Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life”

Dinna get me wrong, I love wrapping up a year like abdy else. I hope most folk will have done it in some form or take some time to do it. 2020 was a year and a half for us all. We deserve to celebrate the positives that came from it.

I highly recommend taking stock of what you’ve achieved. Regularly. I’ve found that if you give yourself honest and positive feedback more often, you reap the rewards. For example, I’ve found that when you need to look at negative aspects of your life, you do it more constructively, with a more positive outlook, with more compassion & more understanding.

Like a friend or family member would when they are giving you advice. But this time, it’s you. And it’s always available.

For me, and I say this with the utmost respect for those that found last year very challenging, it was one of the best years of my life. Easily. It was the year (minus Jan & Feb), that I turned “I wanna be… (a better partner, a good dad, progressing in my career, better socially, better at not overthinking and happier with myself) to “I am.. (a better partner, a good dad…) you get the picture.

2020 will forever be the year that I managed to start talking to myself in a much, much more positive tone.

So fit aboot 2021? I’ve certainly got things I’d like to do and will try to do, but with the experience of 2020 on the CV, I’m prepared to have that thrown oot o’ the water. I know I’ll deal with it and do it well.

In Scottish football chant terms, let’s get into it, heed first!