“You have to be your own toughest critic, but at the same time, be your own biggest fan”

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 7

After Blog 5, I took a break from writing and sharing these. When I started writing, the thinking, the jotting down notes and processing feelings, were key for my mental health’s progress. When I finally found the courage to post my first blog back in September, it was done for two reasons. 1. To be confident in sharing & put myself out there without fear. 2. To build up my ability to not always crave and be obsessed by feedback.

I’m happy to say I failed on the latter.

I’ve had some incredible feedback on these blogs. Honestly. It’s been unreal. From folk that have read and ‘liked’ & commented on Facebook. To those that have personally messaged me to say well done. It’s been superb.

But every time I shared one, I was constantly checking for notifications. Obsessively. So much so, that after the first couple I began to lose sight of why I was doing these. Selfishly, writing these were for me. But while getting the amazing feedback has built my confidence, the craving to get likes, comments and messages as soon as I’ve posted, wasn’t how I wanted to feel.

This isn’t a cry for anyone to like this blog. Craving feedback on the blog, has gladly served as an opportunity to look at why my constant need for feedback in many aspects of my life affects me and remind me that it needs some work.

Looking at the benefits or why I need to know if I’ve done a good job or not, and how it has played silly buggers with my mental health.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned… but I am an affa loon for self-doubt. Which is ironic because I am unsure if that has come across or not in the previous blogs… my life, I tell yi!

Dinna get me wrong; self-doubt, and then giving myself a some 'constructive' feedback has benefited me. 100%. I don’t get complacent. I’m fairly grounded. Mainly because I am prone to thinking something can always be done better or it wasn’t good enough. That tendency normally spurs me on to do better next time.

Professionally, it could be meetings, interviews, or presentations that I do. I’m always uncertain of how I did and came across. Someone could tell me I was superb, but I’d struggle to believe them. I’d think they were just being nice to make me feel better.

Personally, things like being a good partner to Shereen, a Dad, a son, friend, running & not being happy with my times… am I doing enough, was I helpful enough etc. etc. etc.

My need for feedback goes back to aspects of my health anxiety – namely my career and socially.

My desire to be liked and get on with everyone means that I am always seeking, within myself at least, approval. Career wise, because I felt I was late to the professional party, validation & status, has been the name of the game.

And on my work, I feel I was alright until one day I received an absolute rollicking for an email I sent out to a client. My fault, I hadn’t followed an instruction from that client and in my haste to help them, I sent it, which came back to my bosses with vengeance. I was torn a new one over that. My punctuation, on that email was looked at and from there, other emails were pulled up for what/how I'd written.

Now, I’m actually grateful for the feedback looking back. I can assure you, since that day, I’ve been very careful with how I write and proof reading. But at the time, in the way the feedback was delivered, which was wrong, speak to HR kinda wrong, it shattered my confidence.

Without that job, I wouldn’t have got where I am. But because from that point I always felt negative feedback wasn’t far away, because I lacked belief in my credentials at times, I never progressed as much or as quickly as I wanted to.

I needed good feedback. Even constructive feedback would have been good for me. I knew deep down that I was capable of progressing but at that point, I needed someone to tell me. “The deepest craving of human nature is to be appreciated”. That was me.

Thankfully, that came in my next role. At that point, end of 2016, start of 2017, I felt much more positive about my own ability.

I was able to get more regular positive and constructive feedback. But, in a typical Mark Dalgarno twist of fate, I struggled to accept the good when it came along. It was a bit of a double-edged sword - because I spent so much time questioning whether I was good at what I did and because I knew it was more accessible, I craved positive feedback even more. To feel validated.

Every time someone else got, I wanted a piece too. So, I was working harder than ever. I was more content in my career and I was achieving but I wanted to be content in it, both by others and by myself. Content that I was making progress in my career and I had something good to offer people.

In short, I went from one extreme of expecting bad or getting no feedback, to getting regular good and constructive feedback. Either way, I wanted it. I craved it. But I didn't know how to deal with it.

Socially, because I spent my youth trying to find out fa I wiz, I do crave feedback from those close to me. Shereen definitely understands this the most from our relationship. I’m always asking if things are ‘arite’. Which is actually me asking if I am doing everything ‘arite’ as much as it is checking in on her.

Friends wise, I don’t usually ask for feedback, but I spend far too long gauging if people are happy with me or not. Do they enjoy speaking to me? Do they think I’m a twat? Did they get pissed off at what I said or did? Did I let them down? If I know I did something good, why haven’t they said so? I’m not wanting them to massage my ego, but for me, no feedback to my brain means it or I wasn’t good enough.

I’m a bit of a mare with social media too. Getting ‘likes’ isn’t the be all and end all, they just signify that what I’ve put out there was something that people, ‘liked’ (obvs) or appreciated. I.e. good feedback. No clicks, to my self-doubting brain means it wasn’t liked. Rather than, just accepting that some people don’t use social media to give approval. Of which, I am usually one of them.

Apologies, if that mind dump seems a bit ah o’er the shop. I just wanted to explain to myself where I mainly have that need for feedback and why.

The truth is, despite the anxiety I get waiting for or not getting feedback, when I do get bad feedback, I actually cope very well (after a wee moment) and ‘action’ what needs to be done. And I DO get enough good feedback.

The issues are craving feedback too much, too often. And not relying on my own positive feedback as being sufficient.

Like with this blog, in everything that I do, I only need to worry about what my feedback is. I know I’m bloody good at giving myself some ‘constructive’ feedback. I know for damn sure that I have the resilience to bounce back from my own critique. It’s the good feedback that’s the work in progress. And in writing this, I can proudly say that over the course of 2020, I’ve gotten much, much better at doing it.

I mentioned before that every week I write a work journal. Reviewing the previous week’s efforts, achievements and stuff needing improved. Then setting goals for the week ahead. Every week, my honest review is progressively more positive than the one before.

Every morning I write a personal journal, with things I’m looking to achieve that day, stuff that’s giving me the fear, things I’m grateful for – basically give me a wee level of focus to make it a good day. Then I summarise at night. Good, some bad, but mainly the good – scoring the day out of ten. The lowest it’s been since I started has been a 5.5/10. (it’s my book, I’ll make the rules yi ken?).

Feedback keeps me on my toes, stops me from getting complacent. And although I don’t always embrace the good, positive feedback does keep me from spiralling out of my mind with self-doubt.

It doesn’t just have to come as a thank you, well done or good job. It can come in someone’s actions, indirectly what they say. I need to look out for these actions more and raise a wee smile when they come.

Bill Gates, is quoted in saying, “We all need people who will give us feedback. That's how we improve”. What I’m going to start doing is hire myself as the manager of my feedback committee. Yes, feedback can be sought. I just don’t want to crave it anymore.

I like to take a paragraph to remind myself that any anxieties that I have, any ‘negative’ aspects of my life, don’t and have never dominated. And I like to remind myself that despite having some challenges with mental health, I’m affa lucky. In some way, I’ve always been able to subconsciously manage my fears. Well up until the past year anyway. And I’ve been raised and educated well enough, coupled with my own attitude to be aware of things, to possess a determination to do something about them before the fan is covered in shit.

I’ve been aware of issues for a while, but I also know that while they are big, they are SMALL parts of my life. Things like my need for feedback are issues but they don’t take up every minute of every day. On average, I reckon these situations come up a handful of times a day. And while I know that’s a handful too much, and while they can be a fucker, I’m trying to centre my focus on the positives. I’m reminded more of this quote, “Take a deep breath. It’s a bad moment, not a bad life”.

My days are filled with a lovely cocktail of highs & low. Just being an average cheil, ken? Things are nae drastic, life for me, is incredibly good. There are just a few areas, like these, that could be better.

And here we are… sorting these area’s oot. Making things even better. Something I’ve done very well at. Learning to be my own biggest fan. Something abidy can do.

That and realising that it takes time. There’s still plenty of work to do. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that. But then I again, I wasn’t on that job… 😉

Cheers for reading folks!