"Never follow anyone else’s path...

Unless you’re trudging through boggy ground on a hill walk and you find a path. Then by all means follow that path”

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 4

Good things come to those who wait, eh?

I think I can say that, now I no longer work in the craft beer game. People used to take the piss out of me for saying that I pretended to enjoy craft beer – but genuinely, I did. Honestly. I liked saying I worked in it, because of the influence it (not just BrewDog) had on folk. And not just in terms of getting pished. Looking back, leaving BrewDog came at the right time but being fae Aberdeen and contributing to a business born here, that has a global reach, was pretty special…

I just preferred a tin of Strongbow Dark Fruits…

Anyway, I’ve gone way aff topic... back to anxiety, part 2...

The focus of these two blogs was to look at deep-rooted causes of my anxiety, what triggered them, how I realised them and got myself to a point where I know they have actually been a positive in my life.

Of the five main areas of my life, it felt right to group social, career and fitness together. Then come onto these next two. Plus, if I hadn’t lost you after my gardening puns of blog 2, I definitely would have lost you if you had to digest this patter in one looooong blog. Easier for me too, I guess. To break down my own understandings.

So, the final two things or aspects of my life that cause me anxiety are coming up. Slightly different take on these, as you’ll figure out, I hope. However, they are still the same in terms of the struggles they have caused & the positives they have produced:

Fine ti get oot the hoose

One aspect that has caused me some affa anxiety over the past few years is my desire to do as much as possible. I like being a busy loon, achieving, having fun etc. I know this is like most folk, but for me, my need to be involved with so many different things, ends up causing stress, especially when I can’t do everything at once or get what I’ve set out to do, done.

Or, I drive myself mad when I’m trying to decide what the best, let’s say activity is to do, on a given day. So much so, that I end up not doing anything or not doing something to the fullest, because I don’t want to miss out on one thing by doing another. Eventually, I run out of time...

Abidy has hobbies, interests, or stuff that maks them smile. For me, I’m big on fitness-based activities – the aforementioned running & hill walking. The gym used to be prominent before I moved out to the sticks. I’m fond of going to the fitba. I believe I’ve got an incredibly good network (shite word but I couldn’t think of anything else) of friends, for a range of things in my life. I like heading out for a cheeky wee bev and some good food now and again.

Family is important of course. And then there’s my work, which for me, as it is for most, takes up a fair chunk of my time. I also like reading a good book now and then. I’m big on getting away and doing some sightseeing or having ground level walks. I’m daft about various history things, so I get my kicks out of Wikipedia-ing shit a lot. I like keeping a tidy hoose…AND of course, there’s the most important aspect, Shereen & I’s relationship.

I’m fair puckled just reading that list back. And this list doesn’t include the more recent changes in my life – (in no particular order) Roxie, Darcie, Gardening, Mental Health, Not working for the past 6 months…

And if I haven’t stressed this enough, I’ve got previous for making sure I do everything to the best standard. It needs to be the fastest hill walk where I haven’t been oot of puff once, the best run with my best time, Aberdeen need to win, have the best night out with friends, results every day at work… you get far I’m gan. And when that doesn’t happen, I get annoyed. Well, at least I used to.

Then there’s the issue of not completely enjoying or savouring each thing. Because I’m thinking of the next thing – they become box ticking exercises. If I do things with that approach, I end up feeling frustrated, anxious etc.

I thought long and hard about this one, but I’m nae sure where this need to do as much as possible began.

But I know where it all got too much. I was running in the Skye half marathon last year and I had a shocker. Not enough time to do the level of training I required, mentally I was completely fucked from having a lot of plates spinning and after the first mile, the first hill, I knew I was done. I finished the race, but my time was rotten for my standards. But that was enough for me. I had taken too much on mentally and paid the price. Thankfully it wasn’t in a setting that was life affirming, but it was big for me. Something had to be done once I got back home. Basically, I just came doon fae the Isle of Skye, felt no very big and wanted to cry…

I laughed way more than I should have there.

But seriously, something had to give. I had to work out from my priorities, what plate had to come down. And based on that performance, running was first to take the hit.

The priorities had to be Shereen, our new house, work and friends/family. Other stuff like hill walking, football and the rest became as and when I could. My running goals were re-aligned. And, I’m happy to say that, despite a few mental arguments with myself, it’s been like that ever since.

While I was already working towards becoming content with a better balance, being on lockdown, and the limitations we’ve all had, completely solidified it. I’ve had to work at being ok with not being able to book my next half marathon, not being able to bag my next Munro, or being able to go for day trips, or catch up with a different pal for a pint every other week. (When the permission slip is signed of course…)

I’m nae trying to be cocky here, but this part has been the easiest part to work through. Since the arrival of Roxie, things changed. Add in a pregnant other half, taking voluntary redundancy from BrewDog, then having Darcie, it’s been a straightforward decision to accept that I won’t be able to do those things as much. My priorities are Shereen, Darcie & Roxie.

My work comes second and if I’ve got time for anything else, great. My mindset is good here.

Look, I still like having things in my life that I enjoy, for me. What I am taking away from this period is that, with all of the things I like to do, I can always have them involved. Just in smaller, but more appreciative doses. Enjoy them more and be present in them more.

I’ve realised that life satisfaction & priorities will always shift. Adapting gives me purpose and challenge. And recognising that feels nae bad.

Massive Hypochondriac

Ah, my (least) favourite reason for writing this. My health anxiety.

I really dislike the word ‘Hypochondriac’. It’s got a horrible connotation that, anyone who is one, is acting (and I stress acting), irrationally & getting worked up about nothing. I’ve certainly thought that of others and myself in the past. But it’s nae as irrational as I once thought it was.

Health anxiety is defined on the NHS website as ‘when you spend so much time worrying, you're ill, or about getting ill, that it starts to take over your life’.

Sounds less irrational now doesn’t it? I’m quite lucky though. Health anxiety hadn’t started to take over, but by god it was getting affa close. I’m not going to bore myself with the things I felt, in this blog at least, but the things I thought about, the stories I made up, were unreal.

Nevertheless, the amount of time I spend worrying about all types of symptoms I’ve had has, for me, been too much and I’m in desperate need of doing something to curtail it.

My soul searching on this point didn’t whisk me back to any point of my younger years. I’ve had times in my life when I’ve had a few health worries that turned out to be nothing, and any fears, or minor concerns have always passed. Touch-wood, minus a broken ankle playing fitba, I’ve never been seriously injured or ill, so I’ve got no previous to make me anxious.

But as I wrote that last sentence, I just realised why I have anxiety about getting ill. Because I haven’t experienced it to a major degree & have no reason to believe that I’ll come out the other side. And I know for sure I get anxious about being seriously ill could wreck my chances of having social experiences, building a career, keeping fit and living life the way I’d like.

Reading that last paragraph, actually makes me feel a lot better. I hope that what I feel is common experience for most. On some level, I’ve always believed I had health anxiety, but apart from having a fear of dying a number of years ago, it’s never been anything like what I had during lockdown. It. Went. Out. Of. Control.

Now, I’m in no way wishing myself to be ill so I can quash my Health Anxiety. But what I’ve got myself thinking is, would I rather fear getting ill or actually be ill? I’ll take being a tad worried for a few minutes any day. And what I’ve had to train myself to do is realise that these fears, with the right methods, can be dealt with & will pass.

And since the start of lockdown, they have passed. Every. Single. Time. I've got a shitload better at not googling every little symptom and obsessing over every little blemish. Having Health Anxiety is just something that I’ll have to learn to be content with and not let it absorb me.

I’m actually now in a place where I am THANKING my Health Anxiety, because A) it’s been caught well before it escalated out of control and B) it forced me, finally, to look at the other areas of my life, good and bad that have affected my mental health – again, good and bad.

Through working on my entire mental health, I’ve got to a fairly good place. It’s a continuous thing though, where I’ve accepted that I’m going to get health concerns from time to time.

And, thanks to my Health Anxiety, you get to read this blog. So you get to thank it too.

Sorry that it took a lot longer to compile than I first planned. I thought about cutting it down to ease the burden on you, the reader, but after reading it over, I liked what I discovered and penned. I wanted to get this out for me. But hopefully it helps you too.

It also took longer because having a new bairn is demanding. Who knew!!

By being able/forced to take my time, I was constantly thinking about what I wanted to write while working through my issues at the same time. Working things out in my heed before getting them typed up. This mainly happened when I was out walking with Roxie, listening to a podcast or just breathing in the Foveran farm air. Getting to the nitty gritty, reflecting and coming to conclusions. I was forever frantically making notes on my phone once I’d made a ground-breaking discovery so I didn’t forget it, all while trying to ensure Roxie didn’t jump on a random passer by.

It's taken a while to get here but the view is pretty good. Much like fan you get a clear view fae the top of a Munro on a clear day – if you’re into that sort of thing.

Here’s where this week’s opening quote comes into play. (Well, I say quote, but I took one quote and butchered it to make it relevant for me – I guess that makes it mine?). For me, getting to where I want to be with my anxiety, I should always do what suits me best, but because I’ve realised that I don’t always have to do this alone, I’ve opened up to other folks path’s too – in my case, listening to podcasts, talking to others, learning meditation. The idea of writing a blog isn’t one I can completely take full credit for… It’s ok for me not to have all of the answers and pinch ideas from others who have been through or had anxiety issues…

Miles Cyrus’s belter, The Climb has got a lot of truth right now…

Truthfully, it would have been fine to work this out sooner. I wish I twigged when I was struggling to juggle too many things at once mid 2019 (as that was, looking back, the point where it was getting real). But I didn’t. Who cares? All that matters is accepting here, now and what’s to come – good and bad.

My need to be socially acceptable, build a decent career and achieve in a sport were all spawned by my younger life. All 3 had slow starts, exuberance kicked in, I got too far ahead of myself, set my expectations far too high, then reached a point where something had to be done.

A desire to get as much shit done before it’s too late and my health fears of not being able to do them has just naturally became part of me. They’ve came about more subconsciously.

But they’ve all got one thing in common. They are part of my story. And Instead of looking at these aspects of my life that I used to see as causes to my anxiety, I’m now accepting & thanking them for changing my life and making me, me. I might not be able to completely shake health worries, but I can celebrate being a well-liked loon, who has built a good career with more to come, has a good fitness level and has plenty of hobbies that I love.

Top that up with a superb other half, a beautiful daughter, a dog that I couldn’t have done lockdown without, a good family... fit else could an average cheil ask for?

I’m at the point where I realise that I have worked & lived life within my limitations and managed my expectations. Basically, I’ve always known that all the aspects of my life, the good and bad have all been positive, but I’ve spent too long debating with myself and having the little version of me on my shoulder (remember him), nipping in my ear, telling me I am wrong. But he’s been telt ti get ti fuck...

He won’t be gone for good. I accept that. Knowing how to drown him out has become my new thing to do. I’ve loved working on my mental health & it’s been keeping me in check and more on top of my emotions. I like knowing that my anxieties have always driven me forward.

Fit’s next?

Simple. Stop writing this. Not trying to take on more than I should and keeping the priorities in check. Embrace the next stage(s).

I’ll leave you with a quote that I love. It sounds quite morbid, but it links all that I’ve wrote about together for me. It goes – “there will be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ‘em but all that really matters is that little dash between ‘em”.

Oh and a wee caveat added to this. A lot of the thinking and realisations for these two blogs came from listening to Fearne Cotton’s ‘Happy Place’ podcast, with Gary Barlow.

Now I know that folk who know me and my music preferences, will go ‘aye aye, nae doobt you’d love anything with Take That’ – some folk just never forget eh?...

But that aside, it’s a cracking episode where he talks about the period of his life between Take That splitting up in the 90’s and getting back together. And recognising it as part of him and what he learned from it, despite it being a very shit time for him.

Anyway, its here. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/gary-barlow/id1353058891?i=1000423661286. The podcast itself has some really good guests talking about their mental health. Definitely worth listening to some of the episodes.

Thanks for reading. You wonderful person.

I’m off to change a nappy…