‘My mama always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on...

And I think that's what my running was all about’

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities.

Blog 3

How good is Forrest Gump! Easily one of the best films of all time. I try to limit myself to watching it once every 6 months, a bit of self-preservation you might say, but it’s a fucking brilliant film. If you didn’t already guess, the above quote comes right from the mouth of Tom Hanks himself. But don’t worry, I’m nae rambling on about life being like a box of chocolates in this blog. I just like the quote, which will make sense.

Before that though, I’m delighted to welcome our beautiful baby daughter, Darcie Christina Dalgarno, to the world. Born on Sunday 9th August at 00.05. Shereen… Shereen was an absolute hero! I didn’t think I could be that proud of someone, but by god I was after that. That moment of hearing Darcie greetin for the first time, is the best feeling I’ve had, ever.

Both Shereen and the bairn are grand, we’re currently going through the motions of feeding, changing, sleeping and me singing the same obsessive and somewhat annoying tune that seems to work to get her to sleep. Wouldn’t change it. Nae one bit! And Roxie, she’s been superb with her.

In typical new baby fashion, time to do your own stuff is rare. But for me, I’m delighted about that. One of the main factors behind having struggled with anxiety over lockdown, is that I’ve not had enough serious focus, like I would at work. Now I have a focus. The test for me is to take the ‘training’ I’ve had for anxiety and make it work for me now that I’m much busier again. Be calmer. Not overthink. I’ve got less time now, so I need to maximise working on my mental health. Not every day will be consistent, but this is where my ongoing aim to be the person I’d like to meet can really come into its own.

Ok, we ready? Let’s go.

I’ve been forced to split this topic into two separate blogs. I know, the suspense eh?

Not that it’s overly gripping that you’ll be patiently waiting like we all are for the next series of Line of Duty. Simply because I went on. And on. And on. I’m not sorry about that & I’ll explain why. But just a heads up.

The topic came to me one day when I was out running. One that through managing my anxiety, has been advised by a number of sources I’ve used - Finding the root cause, or causes of my issues. Really digging deep to find out why I’ve been feeling this way over the past few months. And if I’m honest, why I’ve felt a little bit iffy for the past few years. It’s ironic that I thought of it while I was running, just like my pal Forrest.

I said in my first blog that my anxiety really came out during lockdown… More time to myself to think, overthink, over-analyse, obsess. Now, I’ll admit, I’ve always been an anxious person for several reasons, but Health Anxiety became my main worry. What some call being a hypochondriac. Without going into how I felt or how I dealt with it on this blog, it gave me the opportunity to look at why I have anxiety as a whole. Looking at why I get the fear over the other aspects of my life…. And not as in the fear you get the next day after a night oot.

Although, by god did I used to be an expert in that field many years ago…

I’ve looked back at length at the events and episodes of my life over the past few months. A good wee reminisce about how they have shaped me.

Up until now, looking back too far, too closely, was a no go. Fa kens fit I would find oot. It never occurred to me that the actions and events in my life leading up until this very sentence, have all contributed to the anxiety that I have. But once I realised, it started to make a lot of sense. I’m beginning to embrace it and realise that for the vast majority, it’s been positive and I’m glad it happened.

Before you think I’m away to share stories about a near death experience, substance abuse or a lottery win, I’m sorry, it’s nothing as juicy as that. It’s all pretty mundane. However, looking at all this personal stuff has given me a sense of clarity & contentedness with who I am. Accepting me. Forgiving where necessary and giving myself credit.

I’ve narrowed my anxieties down to five major areas of my life. The first three are below as they have similar themes and the final two will follow in blog 4. Below, I’ll tell you how each came to be, when they really kicked in & how they have impacted my DNA:

Socially Acceptable

Even at the ripe age of 33, I still get worried about what people think.

I don’t buy into the whole ‘to hell what anyone else thinks’ approach. Because I do care. I want people to like me. But that itself has, throughout my life, caused anxiety. I hate people not liking me. The impression I leave, whether it’s the first time we’ve met, or you’re a lifelong best pal, is important to me. I don’t worry about what people say about me but I fret about them not being engaged when I’m in their company.

I meant it in the last blog that I have positive relationships. But for years, I’ve struggled to accept it. I hate letting people down or saying the wrong thing. Worrying that I’m spikkin shite or talking too much... I’ll overthink almost every conversation, before, during and after. When speaking to others, it’s like I’ve got a little version of me on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, ‘you’re not making sense’ or ‘wise up min’. After, he’s niggling away making me doubt what I said, how I came across, should have said… little twat!

But why? Why is this ingrained in my DNA?

It stems back to my youth. As a teenager, I was reasonably confident & well-liked. I had a good group of mates, most of which I am still close with. I was never the most popular, but I was in a comfortable bracket of the social circle – think of me as Simon out of the Inbetweeners. That sort of level. Nae bad.

But I was never in the big leagues. I didn’t have much interaction with girls at that point. No issue at 14-15, but it had an impact at 16-18 years old. Around then, most take it up a notch. I didn’t. I turned 18 and was still wet behind the ears when it came to drinking, relationships & feeling confident in myself. I was a bit of a fearty too. In my life, I’ve never had a physical fight. Honestly. So, the fear of confrontation scares the shit out of me.

But I remember about 19-20, things started to change & I grew in confidence. Going to college and being able to create a new version of me in front of people that didn’t know me, allowed me to grow. And once I did, I was determined to make up for lost time. And that continued for many years. You can paint a picture of what a young, free, and carefree guy or girl does at that age.

I mean, I wisne exactly Charlie Sheen. I wasn’t daft. But I tried hard to enjoy myself out with my own limitations. I was by far from a rascal and knew where the line was, but when I was out socially, I wanted to be a character. I continued to have good friends and family, but I could have been a better person. I was distracted and not as grounded as I wanted to be. I was proving a point to myself.

Mistakes were made. I wasn’t always dependable and probably wasn’t likeable at times.

Now I realise that’s when my anxiety started. I spent far too long analysing myself socially at this time because I knew I wasn’t me. I came across as confident, but when alone, I doubted myself – looks, appearance and self-esteem... I was nowhere near depressed, but I was aware what I was putting out, wasn’t completely me. I just didn’t know it was anxiety at that time.

But I credit my spell travelling alone through Europe before working for a summer in Ibiza for learning about my true character. Realising who I was & wanted to be.

Travelling away may sound grand, but ask anyone that’s done it, it really tests you. I was completely out of my comfort zone and for a lot the time, I was on my own. I had moments where I felt petrified and vulnerable. I missed home comforts a lot and it’s not always what you think it’ll be. You don’t party every night, money is tight, and you meet some utter arseholes that push you to the limit.

I could write a blog about how amazing it was but nae today. By forcing myself to do this alone and putting myself out there to meet people from all over the world, I realised I was a fairly genuine loon & I became more confident in myself. More grounded.

Once hame though, as I continued to ‘adult’, that desire to be liked, by others & myself didn’t end. The priorities just shifted. And over the past few years, that need to be someone people like talking to, the type of person that gets along with everyone, that need to please, has become too much.

I guess travelling spoiled me. Because I knew I could adapt, I’ve been hellbent on being a person that everyone liked. Everywhere.

Be it professionally, being accepted socially or even living up to the expectation that Shereen has for me as her partner. And while I know it’s a character trait that has helped me, it has caused & causes me anxiety. It’s overwhelmed me at times.

I stretch myself too thin, try to adapt to suit other people’s styles. Instead of just being me. And if I don’t feel every conversation is perfect, it hits me hard. Because I let my mind go wild when around others, I drive myself mad worrying that I come across as dishevelled or like I’m not present. It’s brutal.

Look, realistically, my need to be liked won’t end & I know that. But in fairness, why should it? I like leaving a good impression & knowing that they like being in my company. I just need to be more reasonable with myself.

Through looking at my anxiety, I’ve taken heart that the social journey I’ve been on & the way I am has in fact benefited me & that people like me for me. I don’t have to fight being the way I am. I’m nae bad.

The part I am working on is finding the balance to not be obsessed by good or bad feedback. Whether it comes vocally or it’s in my own heed. Actress Goldie Hawn once said, ‘The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are, not who people think you are’…

For me, that’ll take time, but knowing it’s in progress is a good place to be right now.

Career

Little bit of a theme here. My anxiety over trying to make a success of myself career wise, started when I was a young loon. These days, I’m pleased to say that I’m set on what I want to be known for in my career & have been for a number of years, but getting here & having confidence to progress, has been a struggle.

Growing up, I never had my heart set on being anything special. Nothing stood out. Like a typical boy, I dreamed of playing fitba, for Aberdeen of course, but dreams fade…

My Dad is a self-employed Electrician & growing up it felt like everyone expected me to do that. I helped my Dad on many a job over the years, pulling in wires, carrying tools etc, but the crawling under the floor, rummaging in lofts lifestyle wasn’t for me.

My lack of direction caused an issue with about two months left of 6th year. My pals were talking about waiting for Uni acceptance letters and I hadn’t even given life after school one thought! I panicked and it forced a couple of bad decisions.

I was quite a sporty loon, so I opted to start a Sports & Fitness course at Aberdeen College. But I didn’t enjoy it. It also coincided with me turning 18... My folks were just letting me get on with it, so I didn’t feel any pressure. I skipped classes, fucked about, and left halfway through, to solely focus on my career defining part time Kitchen Porter role… ace!

The next 6 months had little get up and go. I used to think I enjoyed that time in my life, but the more I look back on it, the more I shudder. I had no focus or maturity back then.

But I got it together in time to start a journey into Marketing, Advertising & PR, at college again, which I enjoyed and did well at. I stuck at it & I achieved my HND. I was onto something. RGU was next. Things were on track. A life creating catchy slogans, writing press releases, and designing adverts beckoned, surely?

Nope. I did 3rd year, passed but realised that I didn’t enjoy the world of marketing. I fancied a new challenge, so I left and went travelling.

Like my social fears, travelling started the defining shift, career wise. By the time I got back, aged 24, I was focused to get cracking & ‘settle’ down. The problem was I was very, very concerned that I was behind where society dictated I should be. Nae the best approach. And it led to the slow rise in my anxiety.

It was all about making up for lost time. I made a very bold move to relocate to Glasgow for my first proper job in 2011. Living in the East End of Glasgow, as an Aberdeen fan, on yer own, nae mates, fairly gave me a new perspective. But the work I was doing helped me start my career. I took a while to find my groove there and let myself down a couple of times, but once I got my head down, it was the start of what is now a credible career.

But, my desire to succeed has absorbed me. I fear that I’m not at the level I should be because I spent too long over thinking, deliberating, and planning.

I’ve built a career in recruitment and I’ve always loved it. But because I didn’t find my feet early, like others, I’ve lacked belief that what I am doing is the right thing. But I’ve also tried to counter act that by working too much, or becoming too obsessed with doing well, which caused me anxiety in ensuring I found a good balance between work & personal life. It’s been a relentless pursuit to achieve, while I battle with worrying that I’ve failed to achieve.

I’m good at what I do & have built a good career, with plenty of room to grow. The problem is, I forget it sometimes, and go back into a negative thought process – focusing on what could have been or should I have done things differently.

I’ve not fully accepted it yet but I’m working towards knowing that not having a focus after school, giving college and Uni a good try, moving to Glasgow to work before finding my way in recruitment, wasn’t all premeditated. But that I reacted based on where I was in my life and made conscious decisions that were right for me at that time. And together, they’ve resulted in some pretty big wins, professionally and personally.

The simple fact is, I wouldn’t be the same loon if things had worked out differently. I didn’t fuck anything up. I worked hard, learned from mistakes, and did nae bad. I love knowing now that I’m the type of person that likes change, doesn’t want things solidified and set in stone.

The journey I chose was right for me & I’ve no need to doubt it again. It might nae always click right away, but the great and shitty experiences I’ve had and will have will not only benefit me, but because of what I do, I know I can continue to help others in their careers.

I was runniiiing..

There’s a lot I can say about why running is a huge part of my life (cue another blog idea – boom!), and I’d like to think that people that know me see me as someone that runs. A lot. And is nae bad at it. Something I’m renowned for. Which pleases me. I like being renowned for stuff.

Another area that causes me anxiety is fitness. Guess what, this anxiety trails back to when I was younger.

I was fitba daft growing up and I was half decent. I was quite versatile but after a broken ankle in 1999, my confidence dropped & I lost my competitive edge, fearing another injury. Eventually, I stopped playing and started going to Pittodrie more. Glutton for punishment you might say.

I could play tennis, badminton and basketball. The problem was that I spent so long playing football, that by the time I stopped, when my confidence dropped, I wasn’t good enough to play any other sports to the same level. I’d only danced around them growing up. So apart from the semi-regular kick about at Goals, or the summers playing Tennis, I didn’t have a focus in a sport for years.

I pushed that frustration down and focused on being a young loon, boozin, holidays, The Dons... The good stuff. But I’d get frustrated privately. I wasn’t unhealthy, but I definitely carried more pounds than I should have…

It wasn’t until I moved to Glasgow in 2011, where things changed. As I said in the careers part, I was in at the deep end, fully paying my own way in my life, living on my own with no circle of friends nearby. Limited funds, I had to find ways to keep busy. I decided to head to the gym and begin seriously running.

By god did I go for it. I was exercising almost every day & loving it. My weight came down significantly, my fitness went up. 5k’s, 10k’s & half marathons were achieved. I even won a 5k race. Which was a life highlight as my Mum was down in Glasgow that weekend to watch me race.

The issue was, I got so good at it, and because I was determined to feel renowned for something, become competitive again, it became everything. I was determined to get better, so I ran more. It compromised other factors in my personal life or career aspirations, which caused frustration. But I just wouldn’t put away the running trainers and the energy gels, not for a good few years.

I loved it, but it came with increased anxiousness. No run or time was ever good enough, no PB was celebrated as it should have been. Before most races, I get myself so worked up that I’d fail, that I’d despise the race, which sometimes meant the result suffered.

I peaked in 2016, when PB’s were common. But from 2017, with my career picking up and personal life developing, training at marathon level was becoming tiresome. Eventually, stress won. I gave up during a race through sheer mental exhaustion, which had been building. I had to stop.

And although I’ve had solid training spells for races at a lower level of expectancy since, it’s still been frustrating knowing that I can’t dedicate enough time.

But being honest, my fitness is the factor in my life that I am least ‘anxious’ about. Over the past couple of years, I have slowly managed to find that better balance and re-align my targets. It used to be that training for anything less than a marathon was a failure, but now, I’m happy improving on mine & Roxie’s time for doing a 5k (ish) loop around Forvie Nature Reserve. I’m proud of my own maturity to find that balance.

But I wanted to look at why this part of my life affected me in the way it has. What I discovered confirmed what I already knew. My obsession with running has been a huge positive in my life. That desire to make up for lost time & fear of failure helped me achieve. And while it possibly slowed down other aspects in my life, I’m chuffed when I look back on what was a hugely successful period in my life.

Look, I’ve still got that itch. I’m confident I’ll be back training for a marathon one day in the future. I love the training and the focus it gives me – it affects not only my times, but how I live my life/the diligence it brings.

From being unfit, to completing a marathon to doing Park Run, its’ been some journey.

There’s no denial from me that these three have been the biggest causes of any anxiety that I have had and still have. But from looking back at them, I’ve reminded myself of something particularly important, something that I flicker back to every now and then, but let myself forget…

They have been absolutely life defining for me in so many good ways. I’m built on solid friendships, a career that has become about helping people and being half decent at a 10k or two.

Yes, there have been some mistakes or ‘I shoulda done this better’ moments but I’ve finally got to a point where I am prepared to fully accept that they’ve all played their part. Some I should reflect on every now & then, but not brood. But others can get ti…

When a change has been needed to be made, I can celebrate, because I did it. And I guess that’s what travelling, working in Glasgow and running was all about, putting the past behind me so I could move on. My Mum, bless her, never told me that though.

Now look at me, thinking I’ve got enough confidence to write a blog about it…

Part two to follow.

Oh, you’ll want a quote. (Spins the wheel)…

“Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action” – Walter Anderson (a US artist & writer going by Wikipedia).