‘Gardening is the work of a lifetime that you never finish’

My blog on my Mental Health – from ‘Ach I’m fine’ to acceptance, prevention to possibilities

Blog 2.

While listening to my weekly mental health podcast on Spotify, the presenter referenced how tending to your garden is similar to tending to your mental health. He mentioned a couple of examples as to why, but the analogy started hitting home for me the more I thought about it. And it didn’t stop. Seriously, there are so many similarities.

Before I go further, I’ll reference the podcast - https://letstalkaboutmentalhealth.com.au. It’s out on a Monday, covering different topics each week. 20-25 minutes of listening. From it, I’ve found some superb tips, made some realisations, acknowledging that I do look after my mental health in the right way. It’s a good listen. Highly recommend.

I hadn’t planned to write about my newfound love of gardening so soon. If Shereen reads the opening quote, she’ll instantly roll her eyes. She’s heard, almost every day during lockdown, about how I need to water the grass. The talk of seed, soil and fertiliser has driven her mad. Her least favourite word is scarify. Don’t worry, I had to google what scarify meant too.

But tending to the grass has given me focus during lockdown. And it’s looking good if I do say so myself. Considering I had nae idea fit I was dein, I’ve turned the dry & patchy front grass around and the turfed back garden, which hadn’t grown well is in a much better condition. Our dog Roxie digging holes and pissing all over it hadn’t helped mind. Getting started though was a challenge, even though it had been bugging me for ages. But finally, Foveran’s Alan Titchmarsh stepped up.

As I’ve been dealing with anxiety & overthinking a lot more during lockdown, making our garden look better, every day, has given me relief. Some days have been hard labour, some days have been affa easy. But it’s given me a purpose & responsibility. Which I certainly needed.

To the point of this week’s blog.

After 4 months (ish) work, I can now confidently give advice to others on what to do, or most definitely what not to do. Make note of this, because I’ll come back to it.

Whether you ‘garden’ or not, you’ll hopefully see there’s truth to this. There are a LOT of similarities between gardening & looking after your mental health. I promise, I haven’t gone crazy. What I have unearthed (see, good witty gardening pun), has seriously given me a great deal of clarity on how my mental health is progressing. Now I hope I can plant the seed for you. I’ll get my coat…

But seriously, it has. Stay with me.

‘Ach I’m fine’

Gardening – I’ve never ‘gardened’ before & after we bought our first house in 2018, the thought of doing it was a chore. Our garden needed work, but it wasn’t a priority for me. I figured that it would be too much hard work and felt that I’d make it worse by starting. I didn’t even know where to start.

Mental Health – I’ve never ‘mental healthed’ before (that’s not a real term, but I’ll go with it). The thought of stopping to assess and really dig deep to find out what my issues were, for years wasn’t on the agenda. I guess I feared might realise things I didn’t want to know. Life was moving at such a pace that I refused to accept that I had stuff to work through. When I wasn’t in denial, I didn’t want to fail or make things worse. Like gardening, I had no idea where to start.

How’s that for the first analogy?

‘Acceptance’

G – Finally, thanks to lockdown, I got my shit together and googled, ‘How to grow your grass’? This was followed by loads of words and step by step guides that I had never heard of. Followed by what tools were needed, prices, timings…. (me) ‘would it be easier to get a professional to do it?’ (Shereen) ‘we don’t have the money – get on with it!!’

MH – As I brought up in the last blog, being on lockdown forced me to take the biggest step & accept. Having established some of my feelings, a simple ‘how to deal with anxiety’ got me started. I was away. Surreal feeling. Daunting. But I was off.

I came across the usual methods. Meditation and breathing exercises to start. Mindfulness is something I practised before, so I ramped that up. I began YouTube yoga most evenings. I went daft with running, smashing my 10k PB. There’s been plenty of podcasts, including the one above. Most notably, walking our Roxie has provided me with solace every day.

I considered speaking to someone. I mean, there’s plenty of amazing services available but I never considered professional help. Speaking about it didn’t come easy, so I began writing my anxieties down, every day. That’s been a real game changer for me. I’m seeing the impact of meditation & mindfulness. I’m more aware and calmer. Yoga is taking some time, but I’m progressing.

A lot is trial and error & finding my groove. I’ve had to read (a lot), listen to others. It’s taken time and I’m getting there. Getting being the operative word.

Prevention – (I'm gonna really sell this part)

G – By god this has taken A LOT of patience. Who knew you won’t see results immediately? Every day, I’ve had to work on it and do the basics that are needed. Watering it. Looking after it.

MH – ‘One day at a time’ I believe they say. I’ve had to learn not to get frustrated in not seeing instant results. Which goes against my nature. I can assure you; you won’t do one meditation session and crack your feelings. Sorry, it won’t happen. There’s been no lightbulb moment where I felt my body & mind shifting to this new version of me, cured. Like my garden, it’s an every day job & the work is ongoing.

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G – I wasn’t raised in a garden centre! I’ve made a few mistakes & got things wrong. I’ve used various products and methods. Some have been shit & haven’t given the desired effect. There’s been days when I’ve taken my eye off the soil. It happens, I’m human. Mother nature has got in the way – it is the North East of Scotland after all.

MH – There’s been some regression. I have days where my fears and anxieties rear their ugly little heads and dominate. That’s inevitable though. Some methods I’ve tried haven’t worked and some I’ve not liked. Life, as it would be expected to, has got in the way and hindered progress.

Luckily, I’m not the type to give up. Progress for me is not beating myself up if I’ve faltered, looking to improve and seeing positives. Not every day & not every part of me is perfect. I heard this quote recently, ‘Not even the prettiest flower blooms all year round’. It’s a belter.

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G – People have been gardening for centuries, so there’s plenty of advice available. I’ve found help online and asked for support, both advice & hard labour. I’ve done most on my own, but I couldn’t be stubborn.

MH – The focus on mental health is more prevalent than ever before, so there’s a tonne of material available, to read or listen to. Albeit uncomfortable, I have spoken with some folk & I’m thankful to those. It took time for me not to feel too proud to ask for help but that’s part of the progress. Put it this way, if someone close came to me and asked to speak confidentially, would I honestly say no? No. I wouldn’t. Trusting others in this manner has been progress.

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G – Every day, I’ve needed to take a step back and look at the garden from all angles. Shereen might take the piss, but I’ve needed to just stand out there like an ‘al manny. Be an observer. Looking at what parts are good. What parts need work. Continuously re-prioritising.

MH – Exactly the same. Every day I’ve tried to stop & be an observer of my mental health. Thankfully I’m nae bad at giving myself honest & critical feedback. The trick has been to be more encouraging and supportive. I’ve been looking at what’s been working and where I can improve. Reflection of where I am has been huge for progressing. Mindfulness is a great technique for this as it concentrates on being, rather than doing.

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G – Believe me. It’s a superb feeling when someone comes round and says ‘your gairden is looking affa bonny’. I try to play it down bashfully, but it feels good. They see it from the observer vantage point & they’ve said it looks good. But I’m an affa loon for not seeing the way others see things, but if someone says the garden looks good, I need to start seeing it from their angle.

MH – I’ve done it & still do it. I feel I leave people with a bad impression sometimes. But if I ask myself honestly, did I really? 99 times out of 100, I haven’t.

How others see me tends to be completely different to the image I have of myself. The fear of what others think has held me back in life. I’m going to start seeing the image others see.

I’ve had to assess my relationships, personally & professionally & how I feel when I am around people. I’ve realised that my relationships are mainly positive. That main flaw of seeing things differently to others is there, but to build my confidence, I’m working on taking at face value that if people are friendly, warm, and engaging with me, believe that what I am putting out there is a likeable loon.

Possibilities

G – 4 months (ish) later & the garden looks nae bad. I’m some chiel. How to celebrate? Have a BBQ with friends, traipsing all over my beautiful grass? Do we need some flowers? Maybe some decking. Ooooh how about a greenhouse...? ‘Hud yer horses’. Plenty of possibilities though!

MH – If I, actually no, WHEN I get to that place where I accept me as I am right now and how my mental health is improving, I know the possibilities are endless. Christ, I’m away to become a Dad. What’s a bigger possibility than that? I’m hoping to improve relationships & develop new ones. I’m planning to see my career develop. I’ll need a winter hobby after gardening… That’s how I intend to celebrate. By being content with where I am right now and knowing that I can move it up a notch. At my pace. And if I don’t want to, that’s fine too.

Going back to that point earlier (scroll up), getting to a point where I feel comfortable with me and my life, accepting you will never be a finished article is what I am striving for. Trying to instil belief that I’m not bad as I am, acknowledging what’s got me here AND knowing that I have more to do, is an inspiring place to be. Not only can I improve, but because of this contentment, I’ll have the confidence to help others too. And not just as a trusted gardener.

The point of this… And to prove I’ve not been going mad…

I’ve found that improving our garden has contributed to improving my mental health. Yes, it was hard to find where to start. Yes, it’s taken wads of time and yes, I felt like I go backwards some days.

But if I continue to put the hard work in, dedicate myself daily, adapt when needed and observe honestly, I will continue to make steady progress.

For my mental health, I’ve tried to live by this quote recently, ‘Be the type of person that you would like to meet’. That’s my ongoing aim. To be that person every day.

Finding a focus that I am responsible for & where only I can get the result has been a huge benefit. I’ve found it doesn’t have to be only exercise based or physical like it would have been in the past. I’ve taken strides to improve my career, my health & myself.

Things that gives me time with me. To think, reflect, enjoy, and give continual results over time. Never complete and keeps that drive going.

I’ve personally found that doing the gardening has helped me to take stock of me, while knowing that I am doing something good for our house, (even if Shereen hates the sound of it). Which together, is building my mental health.

There are a few more analogies but I think you’ve had enough by now. So, there you go. Dobbies will have me to thank now for its recent spike in sales in seed and fertiliser…

As for this week’s opening quote. Like I accept that I will always need to work on our garden, I’ve been working on accepting that I need to continuously work on my mental health. I’m never complete. I’ve got parts that I like & don’t like. Have good spells and tough spells. What person, like a garden, doesn’t have rough parts and need some TLC? Accepting who & where I am are has been the first step to building momentum and improving. I’m doing it every day, using what happened yesterday and with a focus to be better tomorrow.

Oh, before I forget & in case anyone is wondering, no sign of baby Dalgarno yet. He/she was due on Tuesday 28th July but now we are awaiting an August baby. Hopefully by the next blog.

Peace!